This is Heavy Stuff...Proceed at Your Own Risk

One of my intentions upon initiating myself into the world of blogging was to attain some form of catharsis when all else fails and I need a release. Thus far I have avoided all topics that carry a great deal of weight because, well, this is the internet. I'm sure that if someone was really interested, they could trace this blog back to me. This is the reason I changed my picture. I don't need to be flaunting my face to the masses! What on earth was I thinking?

This brings me to the subject I intend to explore this evening. I'll try to stay within the realm of hypotheticals and metaphors, but I have very little optimism regarding my potential success.

I am in love with a man who has two children from a previous marriage. If there is one universal truth, it is that divorce makes people ugly (that's a metaphor for really mean and nasty). If you mix hurt feelings, broken promises, unfulfilled expectations, finances,splitting of property, kids, and opinions on child-rearing into a blender (again this is metaphor-nobody should throw kids into a blender) the liquid you're left with is more of a virulent sludge than a nectar (again with the metaphors-go me!).

It seems to me that The Good Guy's ex-wife, even after two and a half years of separation is still consuming sludge as a prominent staple in her diet. Now, I realize that I am not an impartial third party. I have a stake in all of this. I have this trait (good or bad-I'm not really sure) of being pitbull-esque when it comes to the people I love. When the people I love are being hurt or threatened, I get...well, into attack mode. Mind you, I'm not convinced this is an ideal stance, but it's who I am.

For instance: NOBODY tortured my little sister like I did. I was ruthless, it's amazing that as adults we speak to each other, because I was awful. My point is, the second anyone else messed with her I was ready for a school yard brawl. I would have gone all jets vs. sharks on their sorry asses. I'm sure this is common, but I never outgrew the us vs. them mentality.

Here's the irony: The Good Guy has been a wonderful mentor to me when it comes to attempting to see other points of view. He has the most amazing ability to be calm, rational, and patient in the face of unrelenting adversity by attempting to understand the other person's intentions, experiences, and emotions. I have no such ability, but I have certainly improved. I have watched him return one blow after another from his sludge slurping ex with a sincere smile and the offer of a handshake (again these are all metaphors). He has received spit in his eye on almost every attempt (this is a metaphor-sort of). Perhaps the most infuriating portion of all of this has been his unrelenting understanding and defending of this woman's actions. He refuses to speak of her in a derogatory manner, and makes it clear that in his presence he would like me to follow suit. He has attempted, throughout all of this, to take the high road. In doing so, he still has integrity, and not a soul can take that away from him.

I must add a sidebar here that he and I are in complete and total agreement to NEVER make disparaging comments about the children's mother in their presence. I had a mother who rode on the "your father is a worthless loser" bandwagon and I have no intention of hopping on board. Quite the contrary, we encourage friendly conversation about her, pictures of her in their room, and thoughtful gift giving on the appropriate occasions (and on others for that matter).

I must also add that my best friend (J) is going through a divorce, therefore I am simultaneously viewing the point of view of a mother and the father in this situation. Because of this, and due to The Good Guy's stance, I have thus far been somewhat successful in keeping a seething hatred for this woman at bay. However, she is now threatening to take away some of the already limited time he spends with his kids-in violation of their custody agreement. She claims that her lawyer has given the "it's legal, so go ahead" ok. When the custody battle was fought, he relented to less custody than he felt he was entitled because he was of the opinion that a long, drawn-out legal battle would help nobody (I'm having a difficult time with eloquent wording this evening). He gave his ex the benefit of the doubt and assumed that she would ultimately come around and realize that the kids will be best served by maximizing time with both parents.

He was wrong. It's been two-plus years. She's getting more self-rightous, and self-serving as time goes on. Mind you, she doesn't seem to see it this way, she's convinced that she is the only advocate for the kid's best interests.

I fear The Good Guy's patience has neared the end of it's rope.

Again, I realize I am biased, but I'm also a realist (ask anyone who knows me-It's true). Nonetheless, The Good Guy is one of the most loving and devoted fathers I have encountered in my entire life, and I have no doubt that many people who have less of a bias than I would share the same sentiment.

This is tearing him apart, and I have no idea what to do.

My hands are tied. They're not my kids. That seething hatred is bubbling to the surface, and is close to being unleashed into the world. This is one of those occasions when I wish my emotions had an on-off switch. I imagine that indifference would feel a great deal better than this constant feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. I'm not using metaphors when I say this is all making me physically ill. I don't have any idea what to offer him, and I feel as though this is one of those times when he needs me most.

This situation sucks, and the solution is elusive. How's that for stating the obvious?

I'm finding myself incapable of wrapping this post up in a nice little bow (which is what I like to do). I could go on and on, but I'll end here, with a plea to the karma Gods that this situation end without hatred. Hatred is ugly, and I don't want to own it, but I feel it taking over all of us. No good can come of that.

Oh, and since I handle stress by using humor, I offer this challenge: See if you can count the number of metaphors in this post. Hint: I didn't point them all out!