My heart is heavy tonight.
I work with this busser, she's fifteen years old, about four foot tall, and like greased lightning when she works. I've never seen a kid her age work harder. I like her a lot, she's a good kid.
I guess I'll just call her Sydney.
Sydney got her boyfriend a job as a busser. He sucks. He's slow, he's incompetent, and he's inept. He uses his shift to follow Sydney around. He's sixteen years of age. He has rubbed me the wrong way from day one. You know that woman's intuition thing? Yeah, well, my intuition meter says the guy's bad news. Up until tonight it hasn't mattered. What am I supposed to do? Tell Sydney her boyfriend emits a bad vibe and I'm pretty tuned in to these things? Yeah, that'd go over big. I have a tendency to get involved in shit that's none of my business so I tried to stay out of it.
Until tonight. F*^K!
Sydney's beau, I'll call him DW (I know it's harsh but DW as in 'Dick Wad'. Sometimes I get a little juvenile, so sue me!) freaked out on her tonight because she was helping the MALE dishwasher to WASH DISHES. Yup, he accused her of flirting because she had some extra time and was helping the dishwasher dig himself out of dirty dish hell. Then he acted as if he wasn't going to give her a ride home (his mom was supposed to pick them both up).
So, I stepped in. I told Sydney I'd give her a ride home, and I did just that.
Through speaking with Sydney this evening I now know that she has an awful relationship with her mom, her parents have told her that they are staying together only until she's in college, then divorcing, she used to be a cutter, she sees a therapist and doesn't feel like it helps anything, she avoids sleeping because she has nightmares every night, she did two grades of high school in one year so that she and DW would be in the same grade, she has money saved up so that she can get a nose-job, she has a couple of friends in a local psychiatric hospital, she lives in a really nice house, and she lost her virginity to DW less than a week ago.
Ugh.
CLEARLY the girl's got self esteem issues (so does DW I'd say). She's like a battered woman in the making. Her boyfriend is like a wife beater in the making. I know as a reader this probably sounds extreme, but these things start somewhere, and if you could have witnessed what did tonight you'd get it. The kitchen staff had witnessed what happened and were trying to convince her that her boyfriend was out of line as she was saying things like, "yeah, but it's partly my fault because...."
I tried to offer advice. I tried to be non-judgmental. I tried to offer some of the wisdom I've acquired over the years (yeah, I've got some!). I tried to be a new support system, something untherapist and unparent like.
I feel like I said all the wrong things.
I told her that she is beautiful even though she doesn't see it. I told her that she can come to me to talk any time. I told her that a romantic relationship shouldn't involve ridiculous unsubstantiated accusations from the person you love. I told her that feeling love at fifteen is no different or less powerful than feeling love at 30. I told her that I was in no way telling her what to do, just offering a new perspective. I said a bunch of other things but they all seem so lame and irrelevant that I can't even recall them.
She thanked me profusely before getting out of my car. She told me I gave her a lot to think about, and I told her she could come to me any time.
Ugh.
Now I'm emotionally attached. I'm invested. I care and I'm involved. I want to help, but I'm pretty sure that this is out of my jurisdiction as I have no idea what to offer a fifteen year old girl that I hardly know. I'm really not mentor material.
What the hell do I do now?
I'm going to be an awful therapist.
Yeah, my heart is really heavy tonight.
5 comments:
I was just discussing with my mother how mad she is with the guy my age who grew up next door to us when I was a kid. He's been in and out of prison and is now a crack-head wanted for breaking and entering. That's his third strike in California. She was asking what there was she or I could do, and how did he get this way. It's hard to say.
Maybe his parents were too hard on him, or not hard enough. Maybe he got babied, or neglected. What worked for his brothers didn't work for him. His teachers couldn't bring him in to line by sending him to the principal's office. Truant officers couldn't get him to class. His friends thought his rebel image was cool instead of trying to bring him in to their own fold. He couldn't get "rehabilitated" by being sent to prison. So he's steadily gotten worse for the last 30 years. And the consequences follow.
It's easy to see screwed up lives and losers and say they get what they deserve. It takes a whole different type of person to try to prevent someone with troubles from going down the wrong path. They have to want to change, you can't make them. But if you care enough maybe you can reach them.
I applaud your caring heart, even though it may be an inconvenience.
It is ok to be invested. It is ok to offer advice. It sounds like you did a great job. I think the most important part to keep her knowing that you believe in her until she starts to believe in herself and just watch out for those bad behaviors. I think just being there and showing you are concerned about her was great. You are a good person and I am sure she admires you a lot and your words. Good job!
oh no, You won't be an awful therapist: you are probably going to be the best kind b/c you actually care. I have a friend who is a nurse (she used to be my roomate) and some nights, she would just come home and cry for her patients and their ailments. But she got up everyday, went on her rounds and helped out as she could b/c it was her calling.
You did a good thing. She's a young girl who needs a strong role model--how lucky she has you there to help her now. =-)
You may never know how much of what you said was actually heard. That's okay. She heard something. Part of self-esteem issues are believing you're not worthy; worthy of other people's time, their love, etc. You showed her that she is. So if she heard nothing you verbalized that night, she felt it. That was a beautiful thing for you to do.
It sounds like you were there at the right time to be a positive force in this girl's life. I firmly believe in the whole "it takes a village" line. We all need to look out for each other. I think you did wonderful.
We all do what we can and there's only so much we can do. Don't underestimate the value of just being there as sympathetic ear. It's pretty hard to erase peoples' problems...they have to find their own path (which usually includes making mistakes.) I say keep doing what you are doing, which is caring and being there.
As Bill and Ted would say: "Be excellent to each other!" :)
Post a Comment