You know how sometimes reality is more amusing than fiction? Let me share with you some of my reality this evening. It's another waitressing tale, and if you're tired of these, I'm sorry. But this one is just too good to keep to myself.
Towards the end of the evening tonight a guy came in alone and ordered a glass of wine and dinner. He looked normal enough. Yeah, well, so do lots of crazy people. Sadly, when they look normal you have no idea what's coming.
The guy was in the restaurant for MAYBE an hour. He talked my ear off every chance he got and even asked if I wanted to sit and join him (he offered to buy me a meal). HELLO! Maybe you didn't notice, usually the fact that I bring you your food and drink, and the outfit and the neck tie are dead give aways that I'M WORKING HERE.
Here's the story of Mr Crazy as told by none other than: Mr. Crazy.
Mr. Crazy travels ALL over the world. He watched the first plane hit the trade center. He was in England when all the hubub was taking place over liquid bombing materials. He was in Madrid 5 days after the subway bombings. When he travels for 'work' he goes to locations that require bodyguards to meet him and his traveling companions on the jet and escort them in bullet proof cars to their destinations. Next week he's going to China. China isn't bad unless you get lost because nobody speaks English.
He lives in a yacht in New York harbor and drives to Harlem to park his car in the morning where they think he's a school teacher so they only charge him $7 to park (he informed me that parking for a day in a garage in NYC normally costs $50). Anyhoo...Mr. Crazy then takes the C train (I think, maybe he said the A train, does it really matter) to work where he works in a big office building (yeah, he seriously said that he works in a big office building).
Mr. Crazy also has a large farm in Connecticut that is on over 700 acres. He has herds of dear in his yard. He has at least 500 'Posted' signs to keep hunters out and he employs a couple Vietnam Veteran Snipers to keep hunters from trespassing. His sons kill some of the dear. Some of the bucks his kids shoot have holes in their hind quartes deep enough for Mr. Crazy to stick his whole index finger into. (He held up his finger and said "This deep") Yup, he even told me how these holes arrive in buck butts, though he didn't mention why he's sticking his finger into them. They're from other big buck's antlers. (Little nature lesson from Mr. Insane that I'm sharing with you all).
Mr Crazy has lots of really great cars at his Connecticut 'farm'. He has several Shelby Cobras and a Ferrari. Most original Cobras are gone because they're so fast that people died in them (according to Mr. Crazy of course). Well, Mr Insanity drives his so fast that the local police have been trying to catch him for a long time. They've even resorted to using helicopters but Mr. Crazy paid a lawyer $10,000 to keep the local coppers off his back. (When he used the SHOCKING number of $10,000 he even raised his eyebrows several times in quick succession to indicate that I should show enthusiasm. I didn't).
Mr Lunatic also has a daughter who attends NYU. He has her and her friend all set up with armed body guards 'cause she's a rich American girl and sickos kidnap rich American children.
Mr. Crazy is considering buying a farm up in my neck of the woods but it has to be at least 1,000 acres so that he can have a landing strip.
Mr. Freakin' Out of His Mind vacations with the fam in the Bahamas where the water is dangerous. The coral reefs protrude from the water and the HUGE Sting Rays (you know, like the one that killed the crocodile hunter) are all over. He pays a local guy $3,000 at the beginning of their week vacation to take him and his family around and make sure they're safe.
Crazy huh? I swear I'm not making any of this up. Not a bit of it. As a matter of fact I'm even leaving some out.
His bill came to $30.
My tip: $10. Not a bad tip if you're NORMAL and I don't have to endure the pain of listening to your PREPOSTEROUS stories about your wealth and feign interest with head nods and the occasional "Wow".
Rich guy my ass.
I have to admit he freaked me out a bit and I asked the bartender walk me to my car tonight. This guy was NUTS.
This is my reality. Fun huh?
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7 comments:
ROTFLOL! I'll have to keep an eye out for this guy. If he's living on a yacht in NY Harbor and he parks his car in Harlem, he's got a long walk between the car and the boat. He could be right about the parking fees, particularly in Midtown, but then only a lunatic would bring his car into Manhattan anyway!
This was great! Watch out for that dude. With a $10 tip, I have a feeling you may be on the menu!
You have all the excitement. All I got was baseball on ESPN. No crazy people at all.
actually, WIP, I am sorry to say but yes--your life is fun! That is too much...what on earth is wrong w/people? If he ever comes back to your restaurant, you had better pawn that table off to a co-worker...
=-)
or, keep gathering more fun stories for the rest of us to enjoy. haha.
Yes, well I do teach some of the future crazies of America. :)
Wow. Nothing a little prescription medication can't take care of, I'm sure. What a nutcase. Don't you ever wonder if people like that end up believing their own crap? And how sad that he obviously has to make stuff up to get attention he desparately craves, and he's even lost perspective so far as to make up so much unbelievable crap, he just looks under-medicated!
That's hilarious! And you tell it so well. I used to work for a guy like that. It was eerie for a second. I was waiting for you to say that Mr. Crazy ran a marina north of Toronto b/c that guy sounds like a dead-ringer for old Higgins. Couldn't handle any more of his stories. At least your guy ate and left.
Hey, that was me! ;)
jus kidding
But I have known people who would tell all sorts of crazy stories to make their lives seem more interesting. Of course some people are liars and some people are delusional. Both can be amusing.
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