Therapists, counselors, and those who work with children in some capacity in a residential setting have a really tricky line they must traverse between being caring/approachable and having bad boundaries wherein they share too much of their personal lives. Personal life sharing is totally inappropriate for a variety of reasons, though, the not sharing is easier said than done. In my art groups there's a lot of talking. The kids talk to each other about he said/she said stuff, things going on with their families, school dilemmas, and your average adolescent drama. Some of these kids are regulars in my group and have therefore become increasingly comfortable around me. With that comfort level comes normal human curiosity about the person with whom you are spending time. So, they've started asking questions. Some of the questions are innocuous and I can answer freely. For instance, Paula, who is fascinated that I'm a vegetarian asks me every time we're together, "What's for dinner tonight?" I of course tell her what I'm having (if that decision has been made) because clearly this is a fun and harmless little connection between us.
However, yesterday I was caught off guard when Julia asked "How long have you been married?" Ugh. I gave an honest response because some of the kids on campus know I got married this past summer. No sense in lying (arrgh! how do you spell that?!). The most professional thing would have been to divert the conversation somehow. But, I'm still figuring out how to say "none of your business" while continuing to be an approachable figure in their lives. "Sure, tell me your woes, share with me your inner demons, poor your heart out to me and let me help you better your life, but my life is off limits." Kind of a mixed message. So I was already stumbling back into a (metaphorical) upright position from the previous stumble when she rapid fired, "Where you ever married before?" Inside my head I'm thinking: "Good God why do you care and how the hell can I tell you that we shouldn't really talk about me because it's poor ethics, and where the heck did this brain freeze come from and why CAN'T I THINK?!" So, I responded, "Ummmmm....no".
So, there you have it. I lied. Bald faced lie. Felt like crap. Kinda still do. Still don't know where I went wrong. I've had supervisors tell me to explain to clients who show an interest in parts of my life that should be off limits: "My role is one of a therapist and I am therefore here to help you work on getting better so we really shouldn't focus on me, let's focus on you" Or something to that effect. Except, these kids see me as 'arts lady' not 'therapist lady' they find me approachable because I'm not like any of the other staff, I stand alone in my own separate and distinct category. So...that spiel doesn't fly. Great. Still don't know what to do next time.
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6 comments:
Hey stranger! Okay I know it's me that's been the stranger. I've been off for so long, pretty much trying to get my sanity back, but things are good. I'm going to post something very soon.
For now, I have questions...the wedding? Where, when, etc...Congratulations!!! Yay! :)
As far as this post, my advice is this...lie like a rug. I understand your aversion to lying, but as a therapist, you can never lose sight of your role in their lives. When I was a youth minister, I faced the exact same dilemma. I wanted to always be honest with my students. What I realized, however, is that my life story may not fit with my objective with these kids. I made SO many mistakes when I was younger! But had I been honest about them, any one of the 13 years olds in my care would have thought, "Well Steph did it and she turned out just fine." In actuality, what they may have been struggling with had nothing to do with me. I just needed to be a blank slate so that it was NEVER about me. I really think you need to appear as vanilla as possible to your patients so their focus is not diverted. I hope that makes more sense when you read it than it did just now when I wrote it. :)
I need to catch up on your last couple of posts, but I really hope you love what you're doing, and that you and 2X4 are happier than ever. :)
Thanks so much to both of you for your support on my last post. Like I said, things are good, and I'll be updating soon.
Try this one,
"Mindja own BIDness, beyotch!"
Steph! I'm so happy to hear from you! The wedding was fantabulous the weather ideal, the location beautiful. We're still happy but don't see enough of each other because of opposing work schedules.
Your advice makes sense. I understand what you're saying and I agree. But, as you know, it's easier said than done and it really took a lot of effort to form that "No" with my lips. Ugh.
I look foward to seeing a post. I hope your daughters are well...keep in touch!
2x4-You're a monstrous help. Very usefull advice...thanks a mil.
I don't really think you lied, you just got the conversation moving back in the right direction. When you said no she moved on...right? It was a professional decision and I think you what you had to do.
They always ask too many questions. I had a kid ask me recently if I drank beer...why I have NO idea. They also ask how old I am and one referred to a story we were reading as when I was a little girl. (The story was about dinosaurs. gggrrrr)
Hi there: Thanks so much for dropping by my blog and leaving a comment. I think nut jobs are infinitely more fascinating than conventional types, so I'm glad you shared that!
It's not a lie. You are, in fact, focused on the greater good, which is providing care to those who need it. I view your response as a means to an end. It takes a degree of inner strength to do that - something I lack in ways I can only begin to imagine.
Which is my way of explaining why I became a writer. It's solitary, and it involves only me and a keyboard. What can I say; I'm weak.
Carmi-It's not weak! I think finding your passion, doing what you enjoy, and ekeing a living out of it is wonderful (unless of course your passion is homicide but I hope there is an implied "positive" in front of passion) And there are many days where the idea of a solitary career are EXTREMELY appealing to me!
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