We've all heard the stories. They all start the same, "I didn't know it was possible to love another human being this much until I held my son/daughter in my arms for the first time". It's that unconditional parent/child love. The stuff Lifetime movies thrive on. It's the reason kids continue to love abusive parents and parents love their kid even when he becomes a serial killer. It's scientifically unexplainable but the biological parent/child bond is a well known phenomenon.
Step-parenting is NOT the same. Step-parenting is (in my opinion) more thankless than parenting your biological spawn because that carte blanche forgiveness and love are not guaranteed. This is complicated shit people. And not for the weak of heart. And no matter what you think ahead of time, you have absolutely no idea what you are getting yourself into. No idea.
There are, of course, different levels of step-parental involvement. I know step-parents who have as little to do with their spouse's children as possible with no intention of changing that dynamic. My husband and I, however, take a much different tact. We are a parenting team. The results of parenting choices effect us both and we therefore make the majority of those decisions together. The kids know this and it almost nullifies the going to the other parent to get a different answer problem. And it makes the kids realize, quickly, that walking all over step-mom is not a sanctioned activity and will not be tolerated. This is really the only option for me. My husband is an involved father and laissez-faire step-parenting would not have suited my personality nor our lifestyle.
But I tell you what, I sure as hell didn't foresee my husband having the flu and my having to bring the kids to their soccer games, which take place an hour away from our home, ALONE. I've been involved with the kid's school and social lives long enough to know that the parents in and around their community primarily fall into two categories; The ones I don't know, and the ones I don't like. The kids attend school in a small "tight knit" (read: Stepford) type community that I'm pretty sure views me as a hussy idiot. I'm really okay with that. I'll serve as my husband's trophy wife in their eyes, I find it amusing...when my husband is there.
So, today, while my husband lay around with a fever and body aches, I spent 6 hours either driving, watching soccer games, or killing time in between games. My husband and his ex are on the verge of 'Parenting War 3' and I was flying solo into this mission. And I sooooo didn't want to do it. I told the kids just that as they were taking their time getting ready. I said, "Look, I don't even want to go so it doesn't matter to me if you never get ready, we can just stay home".
But I went. Without my husband. And I was polite to his ex and dismissive of all the other losers that have been looking down their noses at me for years. I wasn't obligated to do this in any way. I did what was right. I took on this parenting role with an open heart and I love those kids. For this reason I spent my Saturday playing soccer mom. I figure the fact that the kids didn't thank me just means they do indeed see me as a parent, and you don't generally thank your parent for everyday stuff like rides to soccer.
I just finished my therapeutic bowl of peanut butter cup ice cream while chanting the mantra, "I am the bigger person" over and over again.
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7 comments:
You are, beyond the shadow of a doubt, a good and loving parent. There is, and always will be, a difference between birth parents and step parents, or adoptive parents, or parents in-law. But when the kids are 20, or 30, or 40 and they look back on their childhood they won't see the nasty neighbors or the stupid reasons behind their parents' actions. They will remember their parents' love. They will not discern between yours and hers or mine. They'll know that we all loved them, and loved them in our own ways.
Good for you! I am sure that you totally rocked the soccor game, Miss Trophy Wife, you! (That line obviously cracked me up....as did the 2 categories one :)
Like 2x4 said though, in the end, all that matters is the love they feel. And, I am sure that abounds!!!
Looks like the two of us are taking comfort in some ice cream lately.
You rock, Slim.
2x4-I sure hope you're right.
SBS-I don't know that I rocked the soccer game but I tried to exude the stinkiest air of self-confidence that I could. And honestly, I'm not fancy enough for trophy wife status ;-)
Thursday-Ice cream IS therapy
You ARE the bigger person. Step-parenting can REALLY be challenging. (understatement).
They will TOTALLY appreciate when they are 30 and not on medication. (I keep telling myself this, too.)
Stay strong. I'm sure you're doing terrific. :)
Melissa-I forget that you too are in the step-parenting trenches. I hope you're right. I hope they appreciate us at 30.
Mmmmm... ice cream...
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