That Last Post Was a SERIOUS Downer...

...so I'm going to tell a couple of my infamous foot in mouth stories in order to bring back positive vibes.

Story 1:
My mom and I were shopping in the mall and had to stop for a bathroom break. We went into one of the department store restrooms that only had three stalls, all of which were empty, and the foul stench of someone having recently emptied their colon. I went on a miniature rant to my mom about the importance of the courtesy flush. I asked her, "Why do people not get the concept of a courtesy flush? Seriously, everybody poops, I get that, but we don't all want to smell it! So, flush a couple times, it's not a complicated concept!"

Mom looked at me with this weird amused smile. But the amusement seemed to transcend what I had said somehow. It was as though she had some knowledge which I was lacking. And she was particularly quiet, which is not typical of my mother in any way. So, mom went into the stall on one end and I went into the stall on the other end, leaving the third, middle stall unoccupied.

Except there were feet there.

In the empty stall.

Crap.

I just embarrassed someone and totally didn't mean to. I thought she was GONE. I swear that stall was EMPTY.

I exited the stall at the same time as my mother. We washed our hands quietly as my mother was silently hysterically laughing at the bug eyed look on my face. We left the bathroom and I shouted, "I didn't know she was still IN THERE!"

"I know" said my mother, who, as it turns out, knows when to keep her mouth shut. Unlike her daughter.

Story 2:
My mother has just finished redecorating her living room and dining room. New paint, new furniture, it looks really nice. I saw the new dining room set the other day and it's a HUGE improvement over the circa 1970s hand-me-down hideous set that she's been living with for the last 20 years. I complimented her on how beautiful the room looks but couldn't just give her a blanket compliment, nooooo. Had to go the extra mile to insult someone unintentionally town.

"Wow, it looks great mom. This dining set is really nice, it changes the whole space. All you have to do is replace those blinds and it will be all set."

Mom's response: "Those blinds are new"

Luckily my mother has a good sense of humor and found my faux pas amusing.