The weather in my little corner of the country has been total crap lately, but today we had a reprieve. The sun was out, and the temperature and humidity were both tolerable (a rarity this time of year in my neck of the woods) . It was a good day to be outside, which worked out well since I assisted my aunt in weeding and spreading mulch for several hours this morning and afternoon.
She has started her own gardening business, and I help out once in a while when she needs an extra pair of hands. I'll spare you the details, but the woman is ALWAYS late. The circumstances are unforseen every time, but you can count on 3 things in life, death, taxes, and my aunt will always be later than she counted on. Today we started a mere hour and a half later than originally planned.
Whatever...that's not the reason for this post, it simply had to be mentioned.
Here's the reason for this post:
The house we worked on today is approximately 30 minutes away from my apartment. I had to depart earlier than my aunt so that I could drive home and shower the stink off in order to wait tables.
I drove the thirty minutes back to my town, stopped at the drug store, and then went home. When I got home I went into the bathroom. (I'm sure that at this point you're wondering why you're getting a blow-by-blow account of my day, but hang in there, I think it's worth it). I started taking my clothes off and putting them in a pile on the floor (they were filthy, I was going to take a shower, and no-this isn't going where you think it's going!).
As I was getting ready to hop into the shower I noticed something emerging out of the pile of clothes.
Something BIG.
It was a cricket! Not just a baby cricket, we're talking a full grown (freight train sized) adult cricket-came out of my clothes! I had a stow-away cricket in my drawers for at LEAST 40 minutes.
Just to re-cap: A CRICKET was in my pants and I was oblivious!
I hate bugs. I also hate to kill them (or anything for that matter). So I spent the next several minutes dancing around the bathroom (half naked) trying not to think about where the cricket had been for the last hour, and cogitating on how I was going to remove it from the bathroom. I was afraid that if I left the room, it would hide, and then I would never find it-ohmyGOD! So I ran to the kitchen, grabbed one of the kid's cups (it has a lid) and ran back to the bathroom. I caught the savage beast, but the top didn't fit (I grabbed the wrong lid), therefore, I couldn't set the cup down for fear I would lose my prey.
I then held the cup in one hand, contemplated my next move (I had the cricket but I was still half-naked), then proceeded to dress, one-handed (into CLEAN clothes), and went outside to set the cricket free into the wild.
Happy ending?
Yeah, as long as I don't spend too much time pondering where exactly that big-ass bug was hiding all that time. If I think about the fact that a HUMUNGOUS bug was on me for all that time, I can't help but wonder how many small insects (like SPIDERS AAARGH!) found their way into my clothing. If I think about that, I am left wondering...where are they NOW? What about the bugs I didn't notice crawling out of my clothes because I was focused on the cricket?! Are they in my BED now?
If I keep thinking like this...I will never leave the house again. It's a dangerous, bug infested world out there, and I don't have what it takes to stay sane while I am COVERED in insects.
So, I've resigned to just.not.think.about.it.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
11 comments:
ewwwwwww
Once I woke up in the middle of the night with a giant spider on my face
now that gave me nightmares for weeks!!
In moments like these, I personify the bug like Disney. To avoid a complete FREAK OUT, I say...oh that is Jimminy Cricket or something. With spiders? Oh that is Charlotte! Then I scoop 'em up and get 'em outside asap.
However, this does not work for anything winged. I whack those buggers dead. :)
You said "big-ass bug". I guess that's where it was hiding.
At least it wasn't something poisonous or with pinchers or anything. Count your blessings that you only had a cricket in your ass for 40 minutes. You would be a basket case if you'd had a spider the same size in you ass for that long. And the neighbors definitely would have heard you.
Rachel-Spiders are the WORST! I would have screamed, screamed like a woman being tortured. I'm happy to know that you've recovered.
TN-I think you need to find some literature where a winged creature is the hero ;-)
2x4-Whatever. You would have been just as freaked as I was. That sucker was HUGE! But you're right, had it been a spider I would have been cowering in a corner, catatonic until you came home.
I'm such a girl.
Well, it could have been something WORSE in your pants....(insert lewd joke here)
Kidding. ;)
Yeah, that's just freaky. Me and spiders don't get along. I try to be nice, but I hate the way they move around when they think you're not looking, then when you turn they freeze. Always makes me think they're plotting against me. So I usually grab a bible and smoosh 'em with the Lord's word. It's the only way to truly make sure the evil is eradicated.
Marty-YEAH it could have been worse! It could have been a SPIDER!
David-You crack me up! Squishing spiders with a bible (or the Lord's word as you put it) is such a good idea! Does that mean you're forgiven for killing one of the Lord's creatures? (or is it okay when they're evil ;-)
:)
I believe in Genesis, God instructed Noah to leave spiders off of the ark, saying: "They creepeth a bit too much." The little buggers crawled on when God wasn't looking. So, truly, you are fulfilling God's original commandment when you find one of those suckers and flatten it.
David-THANK YOU!! Never before has anyone given me an enlightened reason to not feel guilty about squashing those creepy 8 legged monsters! I will now thinketh of your words while smacking the crapeth out of them!
Scary to think of spiders possibly stowing away in your clothing. Not to mention the possibility of them actually laying eggs while they were there.
Okay, I'm sorry...I couldn't help it! ;)
I am sorry but that was hilarious. I lived in a basement apartment for just over a year and I know exactly how you feel. I had to vacuum out my boots before I put them on because I kept finding spiders and centipedes hiding in them. ick!
Post a Comment